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Loosely Translated: A leading lady strands ‘The Bachelor’ in Miami

<p>Juan Pablo wipes some dust from his eye.  |  Screenshot</p>

Juan Pablo wipes some dust from his eye.  |  Screenshot

This week, “The Bachelor” returned to home soil, which was disappointing because it turns out when you take away all the traveling, gimmicky dates, waterfall make-outs and ocean sex, dating six girls is pretty boring.
 
But before Juan Pablo seduces the Super Six, he takes an obligatory stop at home to reunite with Camila. Once in the door, Pabs whistles for her and she comes running like his little toy dog. Sure, that may seem like an insensitive way for a father to greet his daughter after being away for three weeks and it is.
 
While reminiscing with his cousin Rodolfo about his aventuras on Paradise Island, Pabs reveals that Sharleen might be “the one.”
 
One-on-One Date #1: Pabs takes Sharleen on a yacht ride, but you know what they say, big boats don’t solve all problems of the heart. As usual, Sharleen doubts whether she’s ready to commit to Juan Pablo and worried about introducing him to her family, which would happen if she made it through this week to the Final Four.
 
Sound Bite of the Night: “I wish I were a little dumber so I could just be like, duh,” Sharleen says about wondering whether Pabs is the best match for her.
 
Sharleen finds herself torn between the age-old struggle of loving that Juan Pablo is “ridiculously sexy” and hating that he’s a big dumb dolt. She tries to use the date to talk honestly, but Pabs blindsides her by employing the time-tested P.A.B.L.O. maneuver:
 
Pretend to care
Avoid difficult questions
Brush off concerns
Leverage good looks
Overt kissing
 
Surprise? Sharleen doesn’t find the “mental connection” she’s looking for with Juan Pabs, feels she needs more time and decides to pack her bags and head back to her pathetic life of being a professional opera singer in Germany.
 
“I’m not sure and it’s not fair to take that spot from someone who is sure,” Sharleen says as the other girls clench to contain their joy.
 
In all fairness, a turtle would have the same problems finding that mental connection with Pabs.
 
Pabs doesn’t act like a jerk when Sharleen tells him and why would he be? She just made his job one girl easier.
 
One-on-One Date #2: In contrast, Nikki is “absolutely falling in love with Juan Pablo.” Nikki and Pabs go to Camila’s dance recital. (Camila’s a crap dancer by the way). To our disappointment, Pabs doesn’t play the game of Which-one-do-you-think-is-mine? Nikki seriously looks like she could be the would-be stepmom from “The Parent Trap” and we sincerely wish Camila had a Lindsey Lohan stunt ready to ward her off.
 
After the recital, the pair goes to Marlins Park, which is where Pabs works (he does something with sports memorabilia, remember?) likely because he’s backlogged on TPS reports — the guy has been gone for like two months!

Group Date: Boring as crap. They go to a private beach. Afterward, Andi gets the rose. She and Pabs go dancing at some Latin club.
 
Nikki vs. Clare: These two are in their own private competition for Bitchy Resting Face and they’re at each other’s throats.
 
Clare: “I feel like Nikki always gets away with being a bitch.”
 
Nikki: “Clare’s like a dog, she peed on him first.”
 
Just a couple of classy ladies!
 
AWKMO: At the cocktail party, while Pabs talks with Andi, Nikki and Clare sit alone and silent on a patio sofa. Literal crickets until Renee gets back. “What’d I miss?” she says.

Weirdest moment: Pabs calls Chris Harrison “Mr. Chris.” What, why? 

Rose Ceremony: Chelsie gets the boot off the metaphorical bridge. Apparently the Juan Pablo Trust Fall is a one-way street.
 
Next week: A two-night event as Pabs visits the Final Four’s hometowns and families! More drama than ever! Plus, problems in the Bachelor suite! Does Pabs juice? Tune in to find out!

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