No, that wasn’t a Doublemint commercial, “The Bachelor” really did air in two parts this week. Last night’s Part Deux advertised more destruction than Godzilla and it didn’t disappoint as Juan Pablo and the three remaining ladies traveled to Saint Lucia to “talk in privacy” in the fantasy suite. But, it turns out log jamming three girls who all know each other in the same week isn’t always smooth sailing.
Dare to Clare: During a boat ride, Clare admits she isn’t sure if she wants to spend the night with Juan Pablo.
Clare: We have all day!
Pabs: And all night.
Clare: No time limit.
Pabs: And all night.
Pabs: I know.
Clare: You never know, yeah?
Pabs: I know.
We won’t don’t even want to try to make sense of that, except for that Pabs knows he wants it all night. But when Pabs does invite Clare back to the Fantasy Suite, she’s still not sure. Recall that Clare and Pabs have already had early-bird sex in Vietnam, which Pabs hastily tried to take back by deploying his daughter as a meat shield for himself and a guilt trap for Clare.
Clare: “When we were in Vietnam and we had our discussion, prior to that I didn’t take into consideration how you felt about how your daughter sees things.”
Pabs: “This is week nine and this is what it is. It’s overnight. So I know the people that are here are going to have overnights.”
Earlier in February, Willa Paskin wrote a column for Slate in which she persuasively dismantled “The Bachelor’s” twisted views on sex. Essentially, Paskin argued that Clare was slut-shamed not for having sex with Juan Pablo, but for having sex off script.
“Because she ran afoul of the show’s selectively Victorian sensibility and did not leave decisions about when to have sex on television to the show or Juan Pablo, she basically got slut-shamed by both,” Paskin wrote. “At her own expense, Clare exposed The Bachelor’s sexual ethos, which is that the women are supposed to be relatively innocent and chaste, up until the moment the man calls on them to stop being so.”
Now in week nine, Pabs makes the call and Clare answers.
Andi’s Nightmare Dream: Pabs and Andi take a stroll around Saint Lucia, commandeering steel drums, playing soccer with kids and kissing under a waterfall.
When Pabs invites Andi back to the Fantasy Suite (Room 7 by the way, right between Room 6 and Room 8) she says, “I can envision myself with Juan Pablo for forever. I feel like it’s a dream I couldn’t fathom!” Oh really?
[Cut to morning]
“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy about Andi,” a satiated Pabs says. “We had a great night together. We talked and laughed for hours and hours…like hours.”
Wow, that sounds great! Andi probably had a great time too!
[Cut to a seriously grumpy Andi]
“Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” Andi says. “I thought I was falling in love. The fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him I didn’t really like. The whole night was just a disaster. I hope he did not think that went well.”
Turns out, Pabs talks about himself way too much, doesn’t care about other people’s feelings and doesn’t have a verbal filter.
“It was all stories about him and not once did he ask anything about me,” Andi says. “The amount of stories I heard about him, the name-dropping and then when he said he had an overnight with Clare, it was like, seriously? Are you kidding me?”
Boy, it’s too bad we’ll never actually know what went on in their Fantasy Suite…or will we? Through some shady dealings, we’ve come into possession of the extra secret transcript from Pabs’ and Andi’s night together:
08/21/2013 -- 23:11:45 am -- Saint Lucia, Sugar Beach Resort
JUAN PABLO (JP), ANDI DORFMAN (AD) -- FANTASY SUITE
JP: MMM...Finally we are all alone.
AD: I know it’s very exciting.
KISSING SOUNDS ARE HEARD, MOVEMENT ON SOFA
JP: So. What are you thinking?
AD: I’m thinking...about how this is the most amazing place. And I’m so glad I can spend it with you.
JP: I am also glad of this.
KISSING SOUNDS ARE HEARD, ANDI LAUGHS
JP: What about you? I want to know about you.
AD: Well, as you know I’m an Assistant D.A....
JP: D.A. what does that stand for?
AD: District Attorney.
JP: Ah, yes. I have seen that movie.
KISSING SOUNDS ARE HEARD, JP GIGGLING
JP: The Dark Knight. Batman. Vote for Harvey Dent.
AD: Oh right. Yes, well not quite like that. I hope to have my own law firm some day, be my own boss, and--
JP: NAH, NA-NAH, NA-NAH, NAH-NAH, right?
AD: Right. I -- um. Really want to open my own practice. Have my own staff. Make my own hours. That’s the dream, right?
JP: Practice is good. I work for the Miami Marlins, and when they practice I go down to watch. And they all come around and they go “Oh hey, Juan Pablo, so good to see you.” And they are so happy to see me. And I go “Oh hey, Carlos Zambrano, Hanley Ramirez.” We have so much fun together
AD: That–That sounds like fun.
JP: It is so much fun. I am excited for our fun.
JP: I like you. I like how open you are. You are so open. It is very interesting.
AD: I’m glad.
JP: Who are you? Who is Andi?
AD: Well I currently live with my best friend Sherri. She’s so funny. We’ve known each other since we were 8. We just have this real connection. We just feed off each other. She’s the best. I can’t wait for you to meet her.
JP: I totally get that. A few years ago I was on a plane and I look next to me to see who I was sitting with and it’s Pierce Brosnan. And I was like "Wow! He’s famous!" I was so scared to talk to him. But then I did and it turns out he is a very nice guy. And I felt that open connection that you are talking about with Sally. It’s so nice.
AD: That’s not her name. And I’m not sure that’s the same thing.
JP: Andi you are so funny. I love that you are so funny. There are so many things that you are. And I like that.
AD: Okay. It just seems like--
JP: What? What is it? What are you feeling?
AD: This was just such a nice day--
JP: It was. A. Great. Day
AD: Okay--Did you have fun with my fam--
JP: The hardest thing I do here is the rose ceremony.
JP: To let Renee go was so hard for me. I felt so bad to see her go. but I choose you. I knew I wanted Clare, because she is so...(SIGHS). And I knew I wanted Nikki because I would like to (SIGHS). But then it was you and Renee.
JP: And you won!
JP: By default.
AD: ’Cuse me?
JP: I couldn’t keep Renee so you got to stay. I couldn’t pick Renee so I picked you. After I decided to let Renee go, you were my choice. My one and only choice.
AD: I was chosen–
JP: By default, yes.
AD: This doesn’t feel as romantic anymore.
AD: No but like seriously, this feels off.
JP: Maybe we should take this evening to the bed so we can get super romantic.
AD: That's--That's nice but why can't we just stay here and talk?
JP: We can’t get extra romantic on this couch.
AD: Why not?
JP: 'Cause Clare and I used this couch last night.
JP: We were in here last night. Chris Harrison gave us a key like he did tonight. And we were romantic on the couch. I would like to have you on the bed.
AD: I can’t--wait--did you--
JP: What is it? Andi, what are you feeling?
AD: I don’t--I don’t know.
JP: Are you ready for bed?
AD: I--Sure. Fine.
JP: Oh, goody. I look forward to comparing you to the others.
END OF TRANSCRIPT -- 08/21/2013 -- 23:14:15 pm -- Saint Lucia, Sugar Beach Resort --
Additional sections of transcript available upon request
But Andi’s not content to just stow away her feelings so Pabs takes the stand as she gives her closing argument about his sociopathic behavior, which starts with his inability to express any emotions.
Andi: “You saying it’s OK comes off as you not having feelings,” to which Pabs predictably responds that English is his second language.
Pabs counters with an insane victimization defense saying, “You just have to think about one guy. I have to think about other people too.” Yikes.
Ballbuster Andi continues to go “A Few Good Men” all over the helpless Pabs: “When you said between Renee and I, whatever, me being here by default, that hurt my feelings.“
Pabs: “I didn’t say by default. You got to understand something. That word, honestly, “default” out of my mouth is hard because I don’t have that word. I said you ‘barely’ made it here.“ We have the transcript Pabs!
Andi: “Even in the Fantasy Suite, I just never honestly feel like you were trying to get to know me. Do you have any idea what religion I practice, what my political views are, what my views on social issues, any idea how I want to raise my kids?”
Pabs:“I have no idea about any of that…What’s my religion?”
Andi: “Catholic.” Touché.
Objection! Andi’s totally dead-on rant was painfully undercut by the fact that she’s been gaming us the whole time. Does anyone actually buy that she just woke up in the Fantasy Suite and suddenly realized that Pabs is a vapid A-hole?
She’s known, we’ve known, the only one that doesn’t know is Pabs (because he can’t handle the truth).
In yesterday’s recap, I talked about how the real objective of “The Bachelor” is to get an offer to do one of the spin offs. Andi positioned herself perfectly to become the next “Bachelorette,” which she’s been offered and has accepted. Even the closing minutes of Part Deux set up her season.
“Am I ever going to find love and am I going to know it when I see it?” Andi says. “Are my standards just so high that I’ll never see it?”
Andi is the second contestant to dump Pabs, but the difference between her and Sharleen is that Andi’s not fed up with the show or the premise of a dating reality series, she’s just fed up with Pabs and now she’ll get the opportunity to become boob-ier Pabs on “The Bachelorette.” Well played counselor.
Nikki? Oh yeah, she still exists. Nikki and Pabs got it on too, so he completed the hat trick.
Rose Ceremony: The only two that are left are sworn enemies Clare and Nikki. But before we see the finale, Juan Pablo’s former contestants reveal their true feelings about Pabs next week! (Including Andi, who apparently has something the chamber).
Brian Surber and Noah Drewke contributed to this report.