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Loosely Translated: You’re in Carcosa now Juan Pablo

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Wait for it..."The Bachelor's" production design was clearly influenced by "Basic Instinct."  |  Screenshot

This week, Juan Pablo paused from hunting down his Yellow King (is it the yellow-haired Clare or the yellow-er haired Nikki!?) for a “Maury”-style tell-all with his former dumpers and dumpees from “The Bachelor.”
 
But first, Sean and Catherine, the proud “Bachelor” couple that married in January in a televised shindig, stopped by to announce that on their honeymoon in Bora Bora, Sean was sexually assaulted by a stingray. In a statement, however, the stingray’s attorney asserted that Mr. Lowe initiated the inappropriate contact and that his client was just “going with it.”
 
If you think that this week was just a big excuse for the booted women to complain that Juan Pablo didn’t pick them, you’ve probably watched this before. But it was also an excuse for Chris Harrison to shamelessly plug the next “Muppets” movie by interviewing Kermit and Miss Piggy.
 
The Award for Sleeziest Production Design: Had this episode aired two days earlier, whoever put together that set would have obliterated Catherine Martin and Beverly Dunn in Best Production Design at the Oscars. The episode saw the ladies seated in tall chairs on elevated risers so that if they moved their lower bodies a single inch or, God help them, uncrossed their legs, millions of viewers were getting a full on Sharon Stone “Basic Instinct” crotch shot.
 
Would you care for some cheese with that whine?: The first part of the episode begins with some girls we forgot were even on the show moping about how Pabs wasn’t really interested in them. Cassandra was particularly angry that Pabs didn’t ask her about her favorite color, which is slut. As everyone knows, when you’re dating 27 women, you should exhibit the exact same amount of interest in each one of them, right up until the end when you tell them it was all a sham.
 
Kelly was particularly vocal, saying, “I think he used his daughter as an excuse a lot…He didn’t say Camila whenever he was in the ocean.” That’s a nice burn. Kelly always was funny.
 
But Sharleen and close-but-no-cigar Renee stuck it out in Pabs’ corner, deflecting some of the harsher blows from the other girls.
 
“He always asked ‘What do you want to know about me?’ but he never really asked me anything about me either,” Lauren says. Listen L, we’re still upset about your sendoff too, but we have recorded evidence that Pabs asked “What are you thinking?” nearly as much as he said “Ok.”
 
“Honestly, my experiences with Juan Pablo were very different,” Renee says and explains that their conversations revolved around their kids.  (Renee also let the cat out of the bag about her engagement during the episode).
 
“Bachelor” Rhyme of the Week: Way to stay above the fray Renee!
 
“I have to defend him a bit,” Sharleen says. “I found him very curious. He wanted to know about me and other people and other lifestyles.”
 
Will the real Andi Dorfman please stand up? Andi, who’s slotted to be the next “Bachelorette,” has been getting a whole lot of love this week for her scalding incrimination of Juan Pablo that she delivered before dumping his ass last week. But, maybe we’re getting a little carried away with lauding her heroic antics.
 
Andi takes the stand this week with that “I dumped him!” swagger and recaps her scolding. Pabs is too self-involved, he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t care, etc. All that seems to be true, but Andi sure did ham it up for the cameras last week and this week in the tell-all.
 
“Did you tell him that you found it offensive?” Chris asks.
 
“No,” Andi says. “That’s something I regret.”
 
Baloney. Andi knows how this game is played. She knew that there was nothing to gain by telling Pabs off in the Fantasy Suite. But if she made a spectacle of it for the cameras? Well that’s how you get asked back for “The Bachelorette.”
 
It’s nice to think that Andi took a stand against the ridiculous idea of finding your true love on a dating show, but that’s just not the case.  Andi’s not a crusader, she’s an opportunist. She just wants to be in the driver’s seat. In Bachelor-land there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you’re looking for someone to rally against the stupidity of the show, look elsewhere. She’s just Juan Pablo with boobs (and a brain).
 
Off with his head! Finally, Pabs walks out with a “Ya’ll just jealous” strut.” True to form, he believes in honesty first.
 
“Would you change anything?” Chris asks.
 
“No” Pabs says. “At the end of the day, you have to be very realistic, very mature and very honest. I’ve been very honest with you from day one.” Well, there’s 25 women who feel differently, starting with Lauren.
 
“So you talk a lot about honesty.” “I kind of wish you would have just told me you weren’t feeling it instead of saying it was because Camila was watching the show.”
 
“I didn’t come here to kiss 27 women,” Pabs says. Duh, he only came to kiss the hottest ones.
 
Snarkiest Quip: “Ess Ok Andi,” Pabs says as he explains how it felt when she dumped him.
 
AWKMO: The Awkward Moment of the Week goes to Pabs the homophobe. Kelly, who reveals she has a gay parent, brings up Juan Pablo’s comments about gay people being “more pervert.” Pabs basically says that Kelly can see him after class if she wants to talk.
 
Pabs: “Obviously that situation was taken out of context.”
 
Kelly: “Taken out of context? Per–vert. Tell me that in Spanish.”
 
Victoria (?): “As someone who has only lived in this country for 10 years and up until the age of 15 didn’t speak any English whatsoever, I’m asking that you please stop using English as a second language as a cop-out.”
 
Oh she went there.
 
It’s ok though, Pabs “loves gay people” and Sharleen comes to the rescue.
 
“We talked a lot about equality and from what I can gather he’s very open minded,” Sharleen says. “We all might have said and done things that if you pluck it out, it sounds completely different than if you had it bookended.”
 
Damn, she’s got some nice perspective. Or she’s trying to get back on the show.
 
Funniest Blooper: Pabs keeps talking about his “little package” until a producer finally tells him that it sounds like he’s talking about his tiny penis. Maybe he really doesn’t understand English.
 
Next week: Pabs uncovers the Yellow King and lives happily ever after. The End.

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