Loosely Translated: Chris Harrison says no fatties on “The Bachelor”

<p>You're the man, Chris.  |  File Photo</p>

You're the man, Chris.  |  File Photo

Chris Harrison prefers his “Bachelors” and “Bachelorettes” tight. That’s what the show’s steward/a-hole-in-residence told the New York Times in a recent interview when asked if he has ever considered a chunky guy for “The Bachelor.”

“No. You know why? Because that’s not attractive, and television is a very visual medium, and I know that sounds horrible to say, but I know that at 42, in the eyes of television, I’m old and unattractive. Sure, I can put a suit and tie on, but I have hair on my chest and I don’t have a 12-pack. I live a healthy life, but I don’t do eight hours in the gym, nor do I want to. And I don’t eat 50,000 egg whites.” 

(Big props to NYT Magazine who struck the perfect balance between insulting Harrison with questions like “What if your ex-wife wanted to be the Bachelorette?” and keeping their wry jabs above his IQ.)

Harrison brings up some interesting points, first of which is that he’s currently taking a COM 101 class where he has to reiterate that television is a visual medium. Uh, yeah, it is Chris. That’s why “vision” is found within “television.” A++.
However, the real fat of his statement is that chunky dudes wouldn’t work on “The Bachelor” because they’re not attractive and wouldn’t be good for business, in the same way current “Bachelor” Juan Pablo thinks gay people wouldn’t be good for the show.
Let’s take a second to consider that. First, what Harrison said isn’t necessarily true as we learned from Lord of Rock Dewey Finn.

Dewey: “Tomika… Ok, you’ve heard of Aretha Franklin right? She’s a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people’s minds! Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight problem?” 


Tomika: “Who?” 


Dewey: “Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I’m sexy, and chubby, man.” You hear that Chris? Sexy and chubby, man. 

But if Harrison really wants to play the fat-people-all-look-like-Jabba-the-Hutt card, fine we’ll indulge.
“Everybody Loves Raymond,” “According to Jim,” “The Drew Carey Show,” “The George Lopez Show,” “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” “Bewitched,” “Seinfeld,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” “Friends,” “My Name is Earl,” “Parks and Recreation,” “The Goldbergs.”
What do those shows have in common? Blah guy paired with a wowzer girl. Classic TV. Bad for business Chris? The profits from those shows could send NASA to Mars.
Sure those are sitcoms, but most people tune into “The Bachelor” to laugh anyway, so why not add some intentional comedy? Can you imagine 25 Scarlett Johanssons racking their brains for ways to describe Joe Blo the Bachelor and his sagging, bratwurst filled gut? He’s got such a sexy personality. He’s so…different. It’s not all about looks with him. I feel like he understands me. You know, the crap normal people have to come up with.
And after Flabby Frank chooses Svelte Stefany, keep the cameras rolling and you have ABC’s next failed sitcom. That’s how it’s done Chris.