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Make some realistic resolutions in 2014

Heather Eidson/Staff Photographer
Heather Eidson/Staff Photographer

Whether we resolve to do them or not, we’re probably not going to lose weight, drink less, exercise more, or learn Spanish. So why not resolve to do something you might actually do like:

Don’t argue with anyone dumber than you are. What’s the point? They can’t possibly comprehend how brilliantly correct you are, so why exhaust yourself by letting them verbally rope-a-dope you. This resolution should actually improve life for everyone because most people think everyone else is dumber than they are.

Break down the wall of language your children use to separate the generations by using some of the words they use. If you’re having a conversation with your daughter and have to leave, say: “Bless up, gurl, I gotta dip so I can moss with my mains. Yolo.” Trust me, this will creep her out so much that she will be speaking Chaucer in a week. I got this idea watching James Earl Jones say “totes adorbs” (totally adorable) in a commercial.

Start correcting the grammar you hear on television or, for that matter, anywhere when your kids are around. Bad grammar may make you sound like one of the guys if you are a bearded throwback living in a swamp, but speaking properly isn’t elitist. It will become automatic for your kids if, when they hear things such as “He’s taller than me,” you immediately correct it. Simply complete the sentence by asking “He’s taller than me am. Does that sound right?” If the kid says “Yes, I are sure,” it’s too late.

Start keeping a journal, but make up everything in it. Make it the daily diary of the alternate you, the flamboyant, adventurous you. Either fabricate everything and make it a total fantasy, or write about the things that really happened, but make them turn out the way you wanted them to turn out. This may sound like a silly exercise, but you will be surprised how satisfying it is. You might want to invest in a lock for your desk.

Stop listening to all the nonsense science that ends up in magazines, on television, and especially online. You may safely assume that none of it is true. There no longer seems to be any penalty for lying about politics, historical events, or health. The president is not a Muslim from Kenya, space aliens did not design the pyramids, radio waves are harmless unless they’re strong enough to cook you, and genetically modified food doesn’t rot your insides.

Admit that partisan politics is gibberish. People who believe in having the least amount of government necessary cannot simultaneously believe that the government should tell you whom you can marry. Everybody wants the lowest possible taxes, the fewest unnecessary regulations, safe foods and drugs, low crime, and clean air. Everybody understands that the private sector is superior when the enterprise involves financial risk and the public sector is superior when it does not.

Partisan politics is simply about helping rich big shots accumulate even more money. There’s nothing philosophical about it, and it has nothing to do with the average citizen. It’s ironic that the president, whose fundamental ambition was to overcome these artificial red and blue divisions, has been almost completely frustrated by them.

The Affordable Care Act, for example, is a simply a series of rules for insurance companies to encourage preventative medicine, and to keep them from denying coverage to people who are or have been sick, nothing more.

Finally, if there’s one resolution we should all make and try to keep it’s to become more involved with our community. It’s so easy to stay informed, and to speak out when it matters, but it’s the surest way to guarantee that we all will have a happy new year.

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