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Loosely Translated: 'The Bachelor' takes the dogs for a walk

<p>Screenshot.</p>

Screenshot.

Ay dios mios! Against all odds and despite her role being reduced to frigid stares, Aurora’s Christy Hansen is still smelling roses on “The Bachelor.”

Last night’s episode served up a whopping helping of breakdowns, set piece romances and PG-13 nudity as Juan Pablo, the Venezuelan-raised single father and hair-gel lover, took his femme fatales on first dates.

The first, first date: Juan Pabs whisked a blindfolded Clare (you remember Clare, she’s won our Worst First last week for faking her pregnancy) to a fabricated arctic paradise. After some ice skating, things quickly heated up in the hot tub as Clare massaged Pabs' back and confided in him about her father’s death. Pabs exhibited slightly more emotional skill this time around, compared to last episode when Clare talked about her dad and all Pabs could mumble was “Mmmmm.”

The second, first date: On the second first, Pabs and Kat dressed up in matching neon, glowing track suits for the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, which is apparently an ecstasy-fueled 5K. Kat couldn’t keep herself from mentioning, maybe five or six times, the “electricity” in the air. Too bad someone didn’t get zapped.

The third, first date: The third first was a group photo shoot benefitting dogs from Best Friends Animal Society. Each girl was given her own costume, except Elise and Andi who were told by a photographer with a blue goatee (warning sign number one, the Bond villain laugh was number two) to strip and given only notebook-sized boards reading “Adopt” and “Me” to cover themselves with, making the photo shoot feel more Larry Flynt than Tom Ford. Good old Pabs convinced Andi to do the shoot nude, for the dogs of course, (Pabs also stripped down), in what might someday be a gut-wrenching scene in a Darren Aronofsky film, while the sly Elise exchanged costumes with free spirit Lucy.

Awkward Moment of the Night: The AWKMO goes to Lucy, who needlessly showcased her swapped costume by walking a dog in the buff down a street. She’s clearly living up to her Bachelor profile. Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I like to be the center of attention because I think I deserve to be. I have a commanding presence. I am charming, charismatic and entertaining. You don’t and you’re not. We should, however, enjoy Lucy’s antics while she’s around because it won’t be for long. She’s currently dating Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel and is still flashing her “free spirits” whenever she gets the chance. 

Mega Meltdown: While winding down at the mansion, the girls each enjoy a glass of wine, except for Victoria, who seems to enjoy a whole bottle as she whines about not getting enough one-on-one time with Mr. Popular. Renee, who has a son, smartly inserted herself as the nurturer and tries to help, but Victoria wasn’t having any of it.

Sound Bite(s) of the Night: “I love straddling people…and things,” Victoria slurs. “I’m not the dog, I’m just the bitch.” “If you do the hymen maneuver, you have to straddle someone.”

If “The Bachelor” were a romantic comedy, this is the scene where the girls would band together after witnessing the undoing of one of their companions and dismiss Juan Pablo as the arrogant clown that he is. But, this is prime time reality television and instead, the girls dismiss Victoria and so does JP.

Unfortunately, Victoria’s Chernobyl-esque meltdown interrupts our girl Christy’s one-on-one with JP. To this point, Christy has had about 12 seconds of screen time and going into the rose ceremony, things didn’t look good for the good-looking hometown gal.

Rose Ceremony: Victoria gets bounced before the ceremony even begins, making JP’s job a little easier, though he goes to great lengths to let us know how difficult his job is. He gives roses to Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen (oh, so classy), Renee, Danielle, Lucy (for the love of god why!), Allison, Chelsie, Lauren and…CHRISTY! The Aurora ice queen is hanging tough and she’s due for a good one-on-one scene with Pabs, or at the very least, a line of dialogue. Hopefully next week.

Pro tips: While watching “The Bachelor” next week, consider spending commercial breaks, doing these intermission activities:

  • Change the channel to “American Ninja Warrior.”
  • Turn on “Burning Love” and see if you can tell the difference.
  • Get in a fight with your significant other about why he or she never flies you anywhere on dates.
  • Dress your Chihuahua up as Juan Pablo. Step 1: Apply hair gel. Step 2: Shave chest. Step 3: Dunk in hot tub. Step 4: Enjoy.
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