Last night’s episode of “The Bachelor,” begins with a stunning revelation: Juan Pablo is on the run from fame and living as a chum fisherman in South Korea’s capital of Seoul.
Back in Cali, Chris Harrison shows up to tell the girls to grab their passports because they’re going after him! And they only have one hour to pack! Why only an hour? Because drama.
“Korea?” Clare says. “I don’t even have a kimono.” Well Clare, that’s fortunate because a kimono is a traditional Japanese robe and if you wore that you’d look like a fool.
Once in Seoul —which is “insane” — the girls find out that this time around there will be two group dates and one single date.
Group Date Numero Uno: Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat and Nikki arrive for the date in a limo.
“Like, we literally have zero concept of what could be happening,” Chelsie says from the backseat, which is probably a familiar feeling.
Surprise! Waiting inside is world famous 2NE1 (which Wikipedia says can either be pronounced twenty-one or to anyone) a K-Pop band who are “as big as the Spice Girls back in the day,” according to Pabs.
For this date, the girls will be learning a dance routine and performing onstage with 2NE1 at a “huge show” (it’s in a mall).
The first group date is a barrage of Nikki talking heads as she faces her worst nightmare and reveals herself as the villain of the show. Eager to turn a corner with Pabs in Seoul, Nikki is disappointed at being relegated to the group date.
“I want to go on a date with no other people…besides the person I’m dating,” she says. “It’s weird for me because I don’t have sisters at home and I don’t have to share a lot of things at home, like my boyfriend.” (Do most girls share their boyfriends with their sisters?)
It doesn’t help that Nikki sucks at dancing and spends the majority of the date complaining as Kat and Cassandra steal the spotlight in the dance studio.
“I would hope Jaun Pablo would not be interested in someone who’s consistently trying to be the star of the show.” Nikki, you’re on a game show for God’s sake! Do contestants go on “The Price is Right” and complain about other contestants guessing too well?
Meanwhile, always upbeat Chelsie is soaking up her life’s dream.
“It’s my childhood dream to be a backup dancer to a huge pop star,” Chelsie says. “Literally, my dream was to be a Brittney Spears backup dancer.” Mission accomplished, now there’s no reason left to not jump off that bridge.
Back at the hotel, Nikki badmouths the other girls while describing herself as “real” so many times that she could only be from Geppetto’s workshop.
Pabs, meanwhile, gets down to brass tax and asks the girls about Camilla.
“I’m a great diaper changer, so fast,” Nikki says.
“Very good! Now we’re talking,” Pabs says.
Despite Pab’s assertion that “a girl who knows how to dance is the best way to win Juan Pablo’s heart,” Nikki gets the group date rose to the disgust of the rest of the girls who shook their moneymakers and wound up broke.
Nikki’s happy though.
“I got a rose on the group date, again,” she says. “I think I deserve the rose, not because I was the best dancer, but because I was a real person, me,” that is to say, a big old B.
What did Elise think you ask?
Fifth, First Date: Sharleen gets the invite to be Pabs’ “Seoul-mate.” (Was that pun really worth the trip to South Korea?)
Shower Scene: More Pabs soaping up the pecs for the big night. Now you know he’s serious.
Before the date, Sharleen admits she’s not sure if Pabs is the one for her.
The two spend their evening at a teahouse where Pabs inquires about Sharleen’s opera career. He asks her to sing. She refuses. It’s too soon. (But you know how this goes). Eventually, Pabs forces her, it’s kind of his thing.
Over tea, Sharleen calls Pabs a smart-ass and says it makes him not bland.
“What does bland mean?” he asks. It’s you Pabs.
AWKMO 1: The first Awkward Moment of the Week goes to Sharleen! All is going well on her date until Pabs drops the baby bomb: How many kids do you want? Sharleen goes with the “honesty approach,” a gutsy call.
“Kids for me is something I never even thought about” she says. Conventional wisdom says if you’re dating a guy with a kid and he asks how many kids do you want, you say at least one. It’s like a minimum at a bar.
Since the premiere, it’s been clear that Sharleen is this season’s holy water to criticisms that “The Bachelor” doesn’t feature strong female contestants who have powers of thought. But the baby dilemma looked like an opportunity for “The Bachelor” to bounce Sharleen, until…
“I appreciate your honesty, will you accept his rose,” Pabs says.
Mind. Blown. Sharleen, who isn’t enthusiastic about having kids (Pabs wants at least two more), who isn’t sure she’s in love with him, who thinks he’s a smart-ass, wins again.
Group Date Numero Dos: Not much worth seeing here. Pabs pals around town with the girls. They eat octopus, which Clare hates and makes all kinds of squirmy faces at, but she’s eventually goaded into eating it. Classic Pabs.
Burn of the Night: “I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that,” Kelly says in regards to Clare putting up a stink about eating octopus. Clare, apply the burn cream to the affected area immediately.
Spinoff Idea: “Kelly and Andi, Attorneys at Law.” The law part doesn’t matter, we just want to see more of these two ripping on Clare together.
Andi (as Juan Pablo): “Clare, eat the octopus!”
Kelly (as Clare): “This is the most I’ve eaten in two weeks! “
AWKMO 2/Very Sad: Back at the house, its one-on-one time for the girls and Pabs. As Lauren dances with JP, she requests a kiss.
“Sorry,” Pabs says.
“Because I have a daughter and I don’t want her to see daddy kissing a bunch of girls.”
Yeah, uh, too late for that. The rest is pretty much what you’d expect. Lauren, who knows Pabs has kissed a bunch of other girls, two this episode in fact, breaks down.
“Why’d I do that? I’m such an idiot.” It’s not your fault Lauren! Pabs is a jerk.
But, you almost feel like Pabs is sincere in his commitment to protect Camilla, until his one-on-one with Clare.
“I said I wasn’t going to kiss anybody, but she is sexy,” Pabs says as he feeds Clare Chocolate. Clare, by the way, has just admitted that after eating the octopus, she threw up in her mouth. “She’s hot. Her teeth, her lips. I’m helpless. I don’t even know what to do.”
Well apparently his tongue knows what to do, which comes after telling Lauren, Renee and Andi that he wouldn’t kiss them because of his daughter. Way to use your child as a human shield. You suck eggs Pabs.
Then, in a final act of treachery, he gives the second group date rose to Andi.
Rose Ceremony: Bye Lauren. Don’t feel to bad, you’re onto better things. Also, Elise, see ya.
Next Week: “The Bachelor” hops from Korea to Vietnam. After that, Iraq and Afghanistan. Better get a kimono, right Clare?