This week’s episode of “The Bachelor” finds Juan Pablo Galavis, the Venezuelan-raised single father, jettisoning his harem to New Zealand to walk the path to Mordor, where the girls will battle for roses and two will be cast into the fires of Mount Doom.
In a Gandalf voice:
One rose to rule them all, One Rose to find them
One Rose to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
But before we travel to Mordor, we’re treated to a brief Skype session between JP and his daughter Camila. You remember Camila right? She’s JP’s child-sized meat shield that he deploys whenever he doesn’t want to do something, like kiss certain girls, with the excuse that he doesn’t want to give his daughter a bad impression about his infidelities.
Well here’s some naked news on that front: Radar Online is reporting that it has acquired a full-frontal selfie of a fully-erect Pabs, taken by the reality star and allegedly sent to the woman he chose in the final rose ceremony, who promptly shared it with friends.
Yeah, if it wasn’t already pretty obvious that he’s full of crap about protecting his daughter, it is now. But we’re really hoping that he pukes out another ‘lost in translation’ defense, like the one he made up after calling gay people “more pervert.”
Now back to Mordor. The girls arrive at a glamorous resort that they don’t realize is Rivendell and spout all the usual hyperbole about this being the perfect place to fall in love, except for Chelsie, who is reminded of Ohio without all the hills.
Clare is looking for clarity this week after Juan Pablo had sex with her in the ocean and then somehow tried to take it back last week in Vietnam. But it's not really clear if she actually wants to talk or just wants to “go for a swim” again.
Sound-bite of the Night: “The pressure that I’m feeling is just building and building and building and I really feel like things might just erupt in New Zealand,” Clare says.
Last, first date: Andi (the lawyer who doesn’t read) finally gets her first date with Pabs. His goal, as usual, is “to make sure she trusts me on this adventure.” Apparently, the best way to do this is to take her on a Bear Grylls style hike through hell.
A speedboat takes Pabs and Andi out to The Squeeze, a flooded pathway through rocks and crevices that Pabs says he found through talking with locals. The two jam their way through The Squeeze, which terminates at a gorgeous waterfall. And what do you do under a waterfall? Make-out, “Last of the Mohicans” style. (Not pictured: the parasitic fish swimming up their urethras).
Pabs and Andi spend dinner at a geyser, which prematurely erupts, soaking them and proving that there’s no metaphor too blunt for “The Bachelor.” But this one really felt like a shovel to the face.
In case you didn’t get it though, Andi explains: “It’s so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well.”
Back at the house: It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday.
Group Date: Pabs and the ladies roll around in Ogos, which are basically giant hamster balls rolled down a mini golf course.
To the Shire!: The Fellowship arrives in the Hobbiton movie set of “The Lord of the Rings” films. Besides Sharleen, who aptly describes Hobbiton as “f***ing cool,” no one seems to care. We’re guessing the other girls likely think that adorable round doors and tiny domed huts are just part of the culture in New Zealand.
It’s a Twist!: Pabs gives Cassandra the old “You shall not pass!” in Hobbiton, on her birthday no less, which he wasn’t even aware of. Though she’s toughed it out with 27 other women for six weeks, Pabs says enough is enough. They’re not clicking and he doesn’t feel it's fair to keep her from her (and Rodney Stuckey’s) kid…for two more days until the rose ceremony. So he puts her down, “Old Yeller” style. And so she sails eastward, to the Grey Havens to be reunited with her kin.
Sharleen on the other hand, gets another group date rose for being a sassy elf.
First, second date: Clare scores it, probably because she already scored it. She and Pabs go on a J. Crew-sponsored picnic where she admits “I’m still having a hard time with what happened in Vietnam.”
“I would never in a million years do anything that would be weird or awkward for your daughter,” Clare says, which seems unnecessary because Pabs would — take the selfie of his hard-on.
“Obviously, everybody that hasn’t been with somebody with a kid will learn these kinds of things. I didn’t know that before,” Pabs says in defense.
“Why didn’t you say that when I…?” Clare says, dropping the mic.
Eventually, Pabs says he was angry that he made Clare cry and doesn’t want that to happen again. Rather than deciding he won’t do awful things that upset her, Pabs makes Clare promise that she won’t naturally respond to him being an ass.
“You promise you won’t cry because of me?” Pabs says.” Clare’s willing to overlook it and they spend the rest of their date dancing in their jammies and making out.
Rose Ceremony: Pabs skips the small talk and gets down to trying to suck the girls’ brains out through their mouths. We hope he has the courtesy to use a breath mint between each one.
Never-been-kissed Kat gets bounced in the ceremony, no surprise there. Next week “The Bachelor” goes to Miami, so expect more Camila meat-shielding.
AWKMO: The Awkward Moment of the Night goes to….Juan Pablo! In this week’s credits we see Pabs chasing the girls through a sheep pasture while he throws poop at them. New Zealand truly was the most romantic place in the world, until next week.