Advertisement

Naperville Valentine's Day Guide — Totally Unqualified

<p>Art by Josh Martin.</p>

Art by Josh Martin.

It’s really no surprise that so many people hate the holiday of love. It’s a day when we’re forced to face our reality and name it.

Under pain of tiny chalk antacids, $6 Hallmark cards and Kay Jeweler commercials you will be pigeonholed into a category with which you may or may not agree. Your friends will do it. Your coworkers will do it. The dude bagging your groceries at Jewel will do it.
 
For your convenience, we’ve broken down the typical suspect relationship types by celebrity couple. We've also included some ideas for how to handle Valentine’s day accordingly based on the celebrity couple that most describes your own status.
 
The Tom Hanks/Rita Wilson:

You’re in a committed, fulfilling, stronger-than-a-juiced-up-A-Rod relationship. You’re likely a V-Day vet and don’t need our help, but just in case you care to see what amateurs we are, take a look at we we’ve come up with here.
 
The Amy Poehler/Nick Kroll:

This is new. This is weird. No one knows where the heck it’s going. People tell you to your face that you two don’t look good together. You might not even be dating. You might just be good friends who took things a little too far one evening over a few too many shared fart jokes, which has left you really confused. But inside, you know you want to keep sharing those fart jokes because that’s all you can ask for in life. Check out how we think you can here.

The Orlando Bloom/Miranda Kerr: 

You’re either fresh off a breakup or have been out of the game too long and are looking to use Valentine’s Day to flatter your crush. But before you decide to surprise that special someone with a saucy serenade, take a look at our notes here.
 
The Taylor Swift/Taylor Swift:

You’re young (or at least you feel young), you’re single and you love it. For you, the world’s too big to be tied down, held up, or kept from it by some person who just wants to bother you with their feelings. And who needs all that mushy crap anyway when you’ve got you, the greatest partner ever. Fly solo with our guide here.
 
The Tiger Woods/Lindsey Vonn:

You want out of this relationship, like yesterday. Only yesterday you didn’t realize you were either A.) Dating a porn star-humping golfer or B.) Your girlfriend won’t be getting you all-access passes to the Olympics this year. Take our advice for calling it quits here.

Read More Things To Do
Advertisement

Latest News

Advertisement
  • Advertisement
  • Advertisement
  • Advertisement
  • Advertisement
  • Advertisement
  • Advertisement
Advertisement